GONE WITH THE WIND

At some point in time some of us desire to have a family. However, the desire for it and its fulfillment does not always go as planned. Within our setup, some things are never really spoken off. One of such things is foetal death. What is it? Grunebaum and Chervenak (2018), defines fetal death as "death before the complete expulsion or extraction from the mother of a product of human conception, irrespective of the duration of pregnancy, that is not an induced termination."

 According to the World Health Organization factsheet, in 2015 there were 2.6 million stillbirths globally, and more than 7178 deaths a day. In Kenya, such data is very scarce because this women are a forgotten demographic and yet they continue contributing to the number of people suffering from some form of mental illness. This is important because as highlighted in my previous post any form of loss has a direct relationship with our health continuum

A few months ago I had a candid discussion with a lady who was in her fifth pregnancy and yet no living child. It was a conversation we both needed to have and am glad we did. She had many enlightening points and today I choose to highlight them as we continue making ourselves aware of better ways to maintain our mental wellness and the wellness of those around us.

1. Seek counsel before conception 

Fertility is never guaranteed. If you are lucky and have a committed partner during the process seek counseling together. Once a great foundation is set it provides a good backdrop for handling any eventualities.


2. Every action has a consequence.

We are often told that the choices of our youth tend to affect our future but often this is never expounded. Did you know some of our current practices may affect our fertility? For instance, do you know that by using the emergency pill for purposes other than those primarily intended leads to hormonal imbalances that may contribute to fetal loss? Avoid unwanted pregnancies through seeking proper guidance on use of different contraception. Backstreet pregnancy termination may lead to infections that cause damage to the reproductive system leading to fetal loss at different gestations.

3. Support groups 



Its time to openly have discussions on fetal loss and how it affects one's psyche and subsequent pregnancy experiences. Support groups tend to offer a space for these discussions. Involve psychologists to be part of the teams as they are more competent in handling all the questions or emotions that arise.

4. Keep hope

 Martin LutherKing Jr once said we must accept finite disappointment but never lose infinite hope. Aim to maintain a circle of friends who will keep you moving when you are experiencing a dark event. Always try and remember why you began it all in the first place.

Next time you are with an expectant lady/couple celebrate with them or mourn with them in case it doesn't pan out. However, never judge, but rather empathize, at that moment, you never know what people are experiencing.

 To anyone going through a dark phase remember;

THE BURDEN OF OUR CONSCIENCE

 Do you ever find yourself thinking of someone you lost through loss. I often do and sometimes I wonder if things would be different had I spent more time with them or what else should I have done differently.

 Ever noted how differently we all tend to respond to such events; some of us adjust well but sometimes we just can't seem to move on. As part of human emotions, any form of loss makes us undergo a process psychologists term as bereavement. The Oxford dictionary 2019, defines bereavement as the period of sadness and loneliness that we experience from a loss. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, there is a long list of stressful events that may trigger or worsen an episode of depression, they include; bereavement, divorce, job loss, money worries, etc.
As we continue enhancing our mental wellness it is important we put some measures in place to better adjust in the event of such occurrences. Some of the simple things I have found out include:

Firstly, understand the illusion of time

We are often quick to forget that tomorrow is never guaranteed and we, therefore, need to make the most of what we have. Charles Buxton once said that "you will never find time for anything if you want time you must make it".

Secondly, spend time with those you love


You say you care for someone yet you put no effort to spend quality time with them. If tomorrow never comes how will you cope?
 Willian Penn once said"Time is what we want most, but what we use the worst. Always seek to capture those fleeting moments as it may be the last time you see that person or have such a moment again.


2. Do not hide your affection

  Don't guard your emotions too much. Sometimes all you need to do is share that kind word for you to forever have your peace of mind.

3. Allow yourself to go through the grieving process

 In the late 1960s, Elizabeth Kubler developed a grief model that involved five stages commonly summarised as DABDA. She believed that for one to move on one had to undergo all the stages. This involved
Denial- You start to deny the news
Anger -  Common stage to think “why me?” and “life’s not fair!

Bargaining -Common stage where one might falsely make oneself believe that one can avoid the grief through a type of negotiation
Depression - Often characterized by thoughts of wondering what’s the point of going on.
Acceptance - Its the stage where one comes to terms with the “new” reality.
For Kubler, grieving was a systematic process but I believe that grieving is an individual process however its necessary.


As we seek to appreciate those we care about may we never forget that

THE FORGOTTEN GENDER

From the top of your head, try writing down a list of five organizations that provide support for men, difficult right! Now list down five organizations that support the female gender. You will find the latter being easier and this is not okay. The female gender has come a long way but is it at the expense of our brothers? In a previous post titled "hidden in plain sight"(https://lilylovelong.blogspot.com/2019/11/hidden-in-plain-sight.html), I highlighted how mental illness is becoming a global epidemic.
In Kenya, for instance, most suicides occurring are often related to the male gender. For more information follow the following link https://aphrc.org/blogarticle/world-mental-health-day-suicide-in-kenya/. Have you also noticed the rise in numbers of people committing murder, this should be a great cause for alarm.  For me it is and here is why.




It is an indicator of poor mental health

The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), defines depression as the feeling of being sad, empty, and hopeless consistently for a duration of two weeks and more. This means that it affects the ability to handle all activities of daily living. In men, it often manifests as aggressiveness, loss of interest in family/work, poor sexual desire/performance, sudden urge to indulge in high-risk activities, physical aches, withdrawal from family and friends, need for alcohol or drugs, etc. Please note that men suffering from depression may manifest either one symptom or many symptoms as every individual is different.

The world health organization has identified that prevention programs primarily encouraging positive thinking are a great way to reduce depression. In addition to this, interventionists should be involved in any individual with any behavioral problem.

As a society we need to make specific changes if we want to see a change in the above.
We can achieve this through:

1. Encouraging positive masculinity

By law of socialization and naturalization, we know of masculinity as attributes, behaviors, and roles regarded as characteristics of being male such as virility, vigor, strength, toughness, independence, assertiveness, courage, etc. Recently, we have seen the traits morph which is both positive and negative and therefore we should only propagate the healthy ones. Chauvinism, for example, should be greatly discouraged.

2. Stopping toxic feminism

Feminism is the belief that women should have the same rights and opportunities as men. Hence men too can be feminists if they believe this. As good as this is, it has brought with it a group of toxic feminists who believe that women should always be higher up than men. This is evidenced by them often supporting physical or verbal abuse towards the other gender. I'm sure you have witnessed this in a variety of ways especially on social media platforms.

3. Openly appreciate the men that do good

 We need to change this narrative. Just because one has had some horrendous experience/experiences by a particular gender doesn't mean that all who ascribe to the same gender bare the same traits. We have some really good men out there. We should talk about them often, be ready to create forums that appreciate men who are making positive change within the society, in this way it will give the younger generation of boys/ men exposure to positive figures they can emulate.

4.  Developing support systems

  Being that in our culture opening up is still taboo among men we can start small like within our homes. Build a culture of discussing day events before having meals or at a time convenient to you as a family. I for one am trying to have my male friends and family members feel comfortable enough around me to open up when an issue is bugging them. Most times one is very tempted to give their two cents but that is not what they are looking for. I am learning that they just wish for a listening ear, zero judgment and patience.

A lot can be said, but all in all, we need to remember that, for us to see change occurring "we ourselves need to be the change we want to see." Mahatma Gandhi.